Recovering Perfectionist
Dear Trellis,
I’m a perfectionist and I want to stop. I realize this causes me a ton of stress and anxiety! I miss deadlines sometimes because I want everything to be just so, and make projects bigger and more elaborate than they probably need to be. I’m so hard on myself all the time. How do I get away from this mindset?
Perfectly Anxious in San Francisco
Dear Perfectly Anxious,
First off, I do want to normalize perfectionism and make sure you know it’s okay. Being a perfectionist serves you in a number of important ways! You produce top-notch work that earns you a lot of validation. You can be relied upon to deliver stunning results. You have a reputation for excellence that is valuable and helps give you access to confidence about your abilities.
And the shadow side of perfectionism is intense, like you mentioned above. Nothing can truly be perfect, so you may always feel like you missed the mark to a certain extent. It’s hard to feel truly proud about the outcomes when you see the flaws and how it could be better. And it takes a ton of time to rise to the level that nears perfection. It’s exhausting!
Here are a few things you can do on your path to becoming a recovering perfectionist:
Aim for 93%. When I was in school I always aimed for 93%. It’s a solid A. Not an A+, which was 98-100%. And not an A-, which was 90-92%. I decided early on that I wanted the A and would do what was necessary to get there. But an A+ meant I worked too hard! And an A- didn’t give me enough mental cushion to feel comfortable.
Now, 20 years into my career, the same logic applies. Aiming for an A and not an A+ means that I can internally release the need for perfection. I’m actively choosing to do the thing, to take action, to be successful, but without the extra stress, strain, and energy needed to aim higher. By actively choosing this goal, I reset my internal clock to something a whole lot less anxiety-inducing. Try aiming for an A instead of an A+.Pick your battles. Most things can and should be slotted into the 93% rule. But occasionally something will rise up in import and make sense to put in the extra effort. These are few and far between, but could be a college essay. A wedding toast for your only sibling. A eulogy for a parent. You have the power to choose what rises up. Make this choice with intention and only do so occasionally.
Start small. If you are used to aiming for 100% in everything you do, it can be daunting to turn on the 93% meter. It’s a mindshift, which is scary even if the goal is to save your sanity. So start small with low stakes. Think about a non-critical project in the works and apply this mental shift. What does 93% look like for this project? What steps can you eliminate that take a lot of time and don’t add much? How can you be satisfied with the project without going the extra mile?
Put yourself in your littler shoes. One of the hardest things about perfectionism is self-criticism. If it’s not just so you can get so down on yourself! So switch your location. When the self-flagellation starts, mentally move your own body three feet in front of you, and where you stand, slot in a child version of yourself. How would you speak to your 6-year-old self? You’d be kinder. You’d be gentler. You’d be more understanding. Feel free to talk to your child-self outloud, sometimes that helps quiet the inner critical voice.
In researching this article we came across another great article from another recovering perfectionist. Go check it out.
Confessions of a recovering perfectionist
I’m excited for you! Recovering from perfectionism can be really liberating, and give you precious time back! Good luck!
Rebecca