Lazy and Guilty
Dear Trellis,
I’m lazy and beat myself up about it. It kinda sneaky laziness — you can’t tell from the outside. If it shows, or someone is expecting something or people will know, I make it happen. But if it’s just me or my family who will see, I can’t motivate to be bothered. How do I put in the same effort for the most important people in my life? They are the ones that truly matter, but get the short end of the stick.
- Lazy and Guilty in San Francisco
Dear Lazy and Guilty,
Your question resonates with me a lot. I, too, am better at doing the things that show than the ones behind-the-scenes. It’s human nature, frankly, and why personal trainers and coaches have jobs - that external accountability is a highly motivating factor and some of us, myself certainly included, need it to deliver at full potential. I even ask my trainer to yell at me to get more out of myself, because I can’t get there with self-motivation alone. It’s frustrating, but also a fact I’ve learned to navigate around.
There are tips I can offer to help motivate to do the things we don’t want to do, like breaking things down into the teensiest pieces possible, so small they are silly. I wrote more about this in another post you can find here. Or thinking through when you have energy to tackle things and when you don’t, setting calendar events to address things when your brain has the capacity to tackle them, and giving yourself permission to relax when it’s not those times.
But I also want to suggest a reframe. A different way of looking at your situation. I think the whole concept of laziness is truly an act of self-care. You work really hard at your job, manage all sorts of things for your family, and have the energy to do it until late into the night. Sleeping in until the last possible moment is a legitimate way of balancing this energy expended the night prior.
In fact, leaving lots of things to the last moment leads to 28% more creative ideas and divergent thinking, according to Adam Grant.
Laziness is also an act of prioritization. You are choosing (actively or passively) to spend your time in different ways and to focus on different things. What makes you feel bad, or at least what makes me feel guilty, is the passive choosing. The feeling like I “should” be doing something I’m not able to motivate or find energy to do. That’s where the self-loathing comes into play. The “shoulding” that we wallow in like layers of fetid mud.
I recommend excising “should” from your vocabulary and from your life. Instead of your nagging internal voice telling you “ugh, I should do that thing,” try a mental switcharoo — flip your internal conversation to “I CAN do that thing” and then shift it further to “I WILL do the thing” and set a time you’ll have energy to make it happen. And then give yourself a break! The things will get done when it’s the right time for them to get done. You don’t need to feel bad.
The only thing that really needs to happen without procrastination is addressing health concerns. Making those doctors appointments for you and your family is the one area you need to be on the ball about to avoid a lot of future pain (literal and figurative). So use giggle steps to get that sh*t done — take the tiniest step possible to move the needle. Just open your laptop. Start there.
Good luck with all of your lazy self-caring endeavors!
⁃Rebecca