Fraidy Cat in San Francisco
Dear Rebecca,
I know I’m a badass. But I don’t feel like it a lot of the time. It’s in my brain but not something I feel in my body. How can I feel more internally aligned with my badassery?
Fraidy Cat in San Francisco
Hey Fraidy Cat,
I feel exactly the same way on the reg! It’s the imposter syndrome that plagues our inner selves, especially those of us that internalized perfectionism at a young age. This seems to resonate with women more often then men, I’ve asked for a raise of hands during talks and almost all women raise their hand when I asked who’s experienced imposter syndrome, and often the men ask what it means.
I wish this didn’t happen to us, that we could swagger our way through life and have it feel genuine and authentic, trust our inner selves as much as we trust our closest friends and allies, and generally avoid this issue.
While it’s there and unavoidable, the good news is that it’s something we can work on, like our yoga practice or improving our communication skills. It’s something we can get better at. I do all of the below things I suggest, and the result is that I feel imposter syndrome WAY less than I used to. It was a constant 24/7 tightness in my chest. Now it pops up a few times a day, which, though frequent, is so much less! I feel generally peaceful, content, and excited to be alive. And a few times a day I need to take some deep breaths and explore some feelings of unworthiness, uncertainty, and dread. Try these things and let me know what resonates over time:
Use empowering self-talk. Like Renato Scaff, Accenture’s COO advises, “If you've got a big project, don't start thinking, ‘Can I do it?’ Begin with the mindset of ‘I am going to do this.’ Trust that you can complete the task at hand. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Don't tie yourself up with worry. Focus on solving the problem, and making it work. And if it doesn't, don't beat yourself up about it. Tomorrow is a new day.”
For me, when “shoulds” enter my mental monologue, I move them into a more empowered “will” framework. “I should approach this with confidence” moves to “I will approach this with confidence” or even further to “I am filled with confidence and can totally do this!” I move it as far as feels comfortable and authentic. Sometimes I get to “I can call on a smidge of confidence for this” and that’s fine, too.Talk to your people and share your insecurities with them. No one can prop you up like those who know, care for, and admire you. Write down their words and read them when you feel uncertain or impostery. These words are TRUE. Moreso than your negative self-talk that is trying to keep you safe and from making any changes and not doing you any favors.
Over time you can just think of your friends/family/allies when you feel low, and thinking of them and their view of you will lift your spirit without even needing to reach out to them directly or read their messages. Every time a negative thought hits, write it down or share it with someone to air it in the light. I just shared with a friend my insecurity around looking for a new project and that I’m scared to ask friends I’m most impressed with for help. What if they laugh at me or don’t think I’m worthy of their time or contacts? What if they think I can’t do what I’m striving to do? What if they don’t take me seriously? Sharing these fears with a friend made me realize how silly they are. My friends love me and want to help me however they can. After our chat I reached out right away to set up time to chat with them. My imposter syndrome was the only thing holding me back and I beat it into submission by being vulnerable to a friend.Complete the stress cycle. Know how you feel calmer after a run, bikeride, or even a walk around the block? How laughter with friends or a long hug calms your nervous system? These are all way of telling our body we did the thing (hunted the animal) and can relax now. It’s completing the stress cycle we developed to require to relax. So often we just numb - alcohol, TV, marijuana, and while these things are enjoyable, unless we are belly laughing or holding one another in a long embrace, they are not helping our body understand it’s okay to relax. Words don’t tell our body either, it needs to happen through physical stimuli and completing the cycle to release the threat response, according to experts and twins Emily and Amelia Nagoski. When your nervous system is calm, it’s easier to beat back the demons of imposter syndrom and keep your internal monologue positive and supportive.
In full transparency, writing this article brought up some imposter syndrome and associated shallow breathing for me. I’m not a doctor, who am I to give this advice? Oh yeah, I’m a brilli badass bitch. Yeah you are! My breath deepens and I feel the giddy euphoria of dopamine flooding my body. I’ve got this. So do you.
Rebecca
